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I wrote this in a screenwriting class while I was attending City College of San Francisco in 1993/1994. I did a lot of theater and acting at that time.

DEAD DUCK

CAST: Annie, Lois, Man #1, Man #2, Tied-up and gagged Man

*SCENE: Stage is set like a downtown street scene at dusk. There is a car parked near stage left. Two wealthy-looking middle-aged women, Annie and Lois, approach center stage from stage right and stop to chat while waiting for a male escort that Annie is about to meet. Annie is clearly nervous, and Lois, who is a bit more outgoing and excited about the encounter, is there for moral support. Lighting is such that it is focused on the individuals talking, while the rest of the stage is more dimly lit.

Directions are in parenthesis.

ACTION:

Annie:
Oh God, Lois! I don't know if I can do this. I am SO nervous.

Lois:
What's there to be nervous about? It's not like you've never had sex before.

Annie:
Yea, but I've never paid for it. What if it's awful? What if he doesn't like me?

Lois:
So what? You don't have to do anything you don't wanna do, AND, you don't ever have to see him again! It's his job to like you. He's getting PAID to like you! Know what I mean?* (she nudges Annie)

Annie:
I know, I know! But, (she pauses) an escort? It's not really me. I don't know. I feel sort of....cheap. Ya know?

Lois:
(shrugs) *Well, it's not too late to back out. If I didn't have Joe I'd do it. Just go have some fun.

Annie:
Yeah, I'll be o.k. You go ahead. I'm good. I don't want him to see you here holding my hand. I feel silly enough as it is.

Lois:
Listen, you're gonna be fine. I'm telling ya, this is the way to go! No ties, no cries, no lies, and you don't have to do his laundry or cook dinner for him. (Annie is waving to her and shooing her away) O.K, I'm leaving. (Lois exits stage right)

(Annie waits for her man to arrive, occasionally looking at her watch and fussing with her hair and lipstick. Two dodgy looking men appear from stage left and take notice of her.)

Man #1
There! (he points to Annie)

Man #2:
Uh huh! Red coat. Black bag. She's obviously waiting for someone. Gotta be her!

Man #1
Anyone with her? I told her to come alone or her husband's a dead fucking duck!

Man #2:
She looks alone. O.K. I wanna get this shit over with so I can go get something to eat. I'm starving.

Man #1
Go get her! And remember! FORTY GRAND! ALL FORTY! If she ain't got every penny of what he owes me, OFF HIM!

(Man #1 exits stage left and Man #2 approaches Annie, who is unsuspecting until he startles her when he pulls on her coat sleeve. Dialogue is quick and full of interruptions)

Man #2:
Ya got it?

Annie:
(hesitantly) Excuse me? (She suddenly realizes this must be her date) Oh, you must be...

Man #2:
Waiting for someone?

Annie:
I am waiting for someone..yes.

Man #2:
You got the cash?

Annie:
Yes, but... (she's interrupted again)

Man #2:
Come on then. We don't have all night. (He grabs Annie by the arm and leads her toward the car)

Annie:
(nervously recoiling from Man #1) Wait a minute! Where are we going?

Man #2:
Well ya don't wanna do it here on the street do ya?

Annie:
Of course not! I like a little privacy. Where do you wanna go?

Man #2:
We'll do it in the car.

Annie:
Do it?

Man #2:
(obviously annoyed by her naïveté) BUSINESS! WE'LL DO OUR BUSINESS IN THE CAR!

Annie:
Geez! You don't waste any time do you?

Man #2:
Well, it's what you want isn't it?

Annie:
Yeah. I guess it's what I'm paying you for. But I thought maybe first we could...you know...
(Man #2 interrupts again--this time extremely annoyed)

Man #2:
WHAT! HAVE A CUP OF TEA? GO TO A MOVIE? (Then more calmly) Look lady! I haven't eaten all day and I'm starving! I just wanna get this shit over with so I can go home and get somethin' to eat. Is that alright with you?

Annie:
Sure. Fine. O.K. But in the CAR?

Man #2:
(rolling his eyes and shaking his head in irritation) I GOT YOUR GUY IN THE CAR! YOU WANT HIM OR NOT?

Annie:
Ooooooh! I get it! Oh my god! (Starts laughing) You really had me going! How stupid of me. I've never done this sort of thing before.

(They arrive at the car. Man #2 opens the passenger door for Annie and she gets in. Man #2 walks around the car and enters the driver's seat. A man is tied up and gagged in the back seat, covered by a blanket, still unseen by Annie.)

Man #2:
So fork it over and he's yours (he reaches behind the seat and pulls the blanket off the tied up and gagged man. Annie looks back at the man and then at Man #2 inquisitively. The tied up man sees Annie. Wide-eyed and obviously scared, he starts shaking head profusely and trying to shout through his gag)

Annie:
Why is he all tied up?

Man #2:
Why the hell do you think?

Annie:
Hey, wait a minute here! I don't go for that kinky stuff. No way! HERE! You take the money! I don't want him! I'll find someone on my own! I just wanna get out of here! YOU WEIRDOS! (she throws a handful of bills at Man #2 and exits the car, running and exiting stage right)

(The tied up man is kicking and trying to writhe out of his constraints, vocalizing as much as he can. Man #2 turns to him.)

Man #2:
Hey Mac! Sorry to say it but your wife is a bit of a loon! (Shaking his head he picks up the cash and counts aloud) One. Two. Three. Four. Four hundred dollars. All this for four hundred measly dollars! (he turns to the tied up man smiling, and raises a gun, pointing it at the tied-up man's head. Tied up man is frantic) Sorry Mac! Looks like today is definitely NOT your lucky day!

FADE OUT

Dead Duck
ONE ACT SKIT / PLAY
1994